Fatal Error -_-

There's just been so much happening that I'm not even sure where to start? Samhain was lovely but unstable because just a few days before that, my entire foundation was jarred. I really thought my whole world had fallen apart but somehow I'm still standing. 

On the literal heels of that, we lost a very close family member to COVID. I don't know how we held it together but life is strange. I know I'm being super cryptic but there's literally nothing about any of this that I'm emotionally safe enough to blog. I'm still not on solid ground and I'm still sick to my stomach with worry.

I'm honestly so fucking tired though, there's never enough time to get my shit together and no matter how I try to spin my life into something acceptable - it just spirals into more and more chaos. Every time I even start to feel hope or some vague semblance of balance,  it's ripped from me "Oh did you think it was good? You were wrong, it's broken and it's your fault. It's all your fault. You're the reason" It echoes through my head - over and over, an endless broken record of my failure.

I cry in the shower, I cry alone in my bed. I cry so fucking much and it helps nothing but it gives me just enough strength to keep moving into the next day - one foot in front of the other,  just keep moving. I wish I had some modicum of support somewhere but this is my load to bear, alone. I can do it, for now. I have no choice... 

I don't know how much longer I can carry it all though, or how much longer I even want to. I sometimes wonder if it's possible to "quiet quit" my own life because legit, they don't pay me enough, they really don't and every day I'm finding less and less worth fighting for.  Honestly, I am so tired, just so fucking tired...