That's something, and it's better than nothing...

I want to get better, no matter how long or rough the road, I want to wake up wanting to be awake! I want to breathe in the air around me and be happy (or at least not disappointed) to be breathing at all. I want to function, exist, and, with the Goddess' help, eventually thrive. I would like to not be sad all the time, even if it's just a little.

I'm working on it - I'm meditating, I'm taking vitamins and supplements, I'm working on other parts of myself - journaling and being gentle with myself. I'm practicing tender self care like facials and hair treatments and just taking everything slowly, slowly. Allowing my head the space it needs to work shit out while embracing my body and trying to hold it dear. 

It's hard. It's so fucking hard. I feel like someone has ripped me into a thousand pieces and I'm trying to glue them all back together in the dark with sweaty and trembling hands. I want to trust again. I want to believe in my family and myself again. I want to not be swirling in a black icy spiral of abject fucking despair. 

I will. If it takes all the self-help videos and books I can muster, if it takes all the goddamned vitamins I can afford, if I need to coddle myself with lotions and pretty smelling oils and convince myself it's for some cosmic greater purpose and who knows it fucking might be then so be it, I bloody well will. If it takes struggle and rage and tears and blood and fucking witchcraft - I will. 

But it is going to happen if it kills me to do it and only my last freakin' breath is worth breathing - I need to get through this and if nothing else and nobody else I need more than anything to count on me because I am here and I am now and that's at least one constant I know. That's a thread, if nothing else - it's a crumb to hold and to build upon. 

That's something, and it's better than nothing...