"Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table." ~Tupac Shakur
She'll drop me cold without calls or texts or really anything for months and sometimes a year or more and then one day she's suddenly back as though she never left and she has tales of how badly she's been or is being treated. I've said over the years that I almost feel like a back burner sidepiece because as soon as there's trouble in paradise, she's right back at my door for rescue.
The first time it happened was back in the very early years of our friendship and she was dating my ex (which was fine by me, they seemed great together) and they made plans to move in together and she was 110% all-in until the day of the move when she completely ghosted both him and me. A year and change later she comes slinking back and tells me on her way to our street, on the day of the move, she ran into the girl who'd been the main factor in my breakup with the aforementioned ex and that girl told her that her and my ex were still hot and heavy and she couldn't wait to see him that night.
The story could have been believable, except I knew for an absolute fact that said girl wasn't even in the city that specific day and hadn't been for a few days. I let it go. I just told myself I'd be a bit more wary of things she'd tell me going forward. During our reunion, I learned that she'd got with another guy I knew and had moved in with him and now he was abusive and she was in a bad situation but couldn't leave him because she had nowhere else to live.
I should mention that when I met her, it was because she was leaving her abusive husband and we had our rough intro when she came over to threaten me because he saw me in the mall and had sent her over to start shit with me for supposedly staring at her. I stood up to her and told her to hit me then and she didn't know what to do, so she deflated and later she met up with me and confessed to it all with mass apologies. I believed her and felt awful for her, so I started helping her wherever I could. She started calling me again and showing up and it was really during this time that we became "best friends" and not just girls who hung out and talked about whatever.
I'm not sure how much of anything she ever told me was true. I never have been, but when you love someone, you only see the hurt and you just want to fix it, to help them heal.
She always got upset when I dated people and she'd tell me they said some mean thing to her when out of my earshot or she'd tell me they cheated or lied and I'd always just believe her. One time she actually had sex with a guy I was seeing and told me later he'd taken advantage of her when she was drunk. I was very much in disbelief, but I supported her and distanced myself from him and she seemed to heal from it miraculously quick. But I really hadn't been serious with him, so the whole thing washed over faster than maybe it should have.
This went on and on in variations with anyone I was dating or talking to for years and sometimes I just didn't react and she'd distance herself and tell people I'd thrown her away and she'd disappear again for long periods. She always came back though and every time she'd have another reason that she needed to escape her current boyfriend. She never left them, though. She'd just tell me how bad it was and see other guys on the side. I'd protect and cover for her. Life goes on.
There was one guy she was with that seemed exceptionally toxic from the stories she told me. I was honestly ready to go and literally beat the shit out of him, but she'd always stop me and plead with me to hold off because she had no other place to go.
She left the province with that guy, didn't even mention it to me until she was halfway across the country. She'd spent months justifying copious drinking, club-hopping, and running with other guys and telling me how badly she was being emotionally abused and neglected. She'd call me now and again to tell me how bad she was having it out there, but it seemed like she only even made that small gesture to keep the pilot light on and have me simmering on the back burner.
I actually saw through that, though. I discovered that she'd known for days and possibly weeks that she was leaving the way she did and I also learned she'd just abandoned many of her animals in the apartment and they'd absconded in the wee hours of the morning, still dark outside and all. Not even a whisper to me. She didn't trust that I wouldn't tell, but she fully expected me to still be there whenever she became bored with the whole thing.
I wasn't, though. This time I'd honestly had enough. One night she'd called when I was out having a few drinks with another close friend and I was just so hurt and mad that I told her not to bother anymore. She left. She'd planned it all out without so much as a "fuck you" to me and she already had a job and a stable apartment (that I know they rented before they even left) so I was over repeatedly breaking my heart by listening to these horrible (and often questionable) tales that she and I both knew I could do nothing about.
Eventually, she returned, and I didn't even know for probably the first year. For the first time since we'd begun this ragged journey, she shacked up with a guy and didn't have me to fall back on. Then she moved on to another dysfunctional relationship after that. Let me tell you, though, once we started talking again, she had wild tales of how she’d been horribly mistreated by both men and how even her dog had been molested. Honestly, I was finally seeing that some of the stories had even seemingly been recycled from other boyfriends and I still just blindly went along for the ride. I still loved her and was just glad to have her back in my life.
She was hanging around with this cab driver that she swore she wasn't in a relationship with but she'd get jealous if he even spoke to other women, she'd get violent with him and hit him and break things in his cab. He gave her money and bought her stuff constantly. He'd make references to their relationship and their sex life and she'd let him until she was out of the car and then she'd tell me he was delusional and they were totally not a thing.
She'd call me to hang out, I'd meet her at her house or she'd come to mine and he'd call or text her and she would leave me standing on the side of the road to go off with him whether we'd been out half the day or barely a block from meeting at either of our homes. She'd make promises to come for holidays and occasions and she'd either pop by for a few minutes, just long enough to say she had, or she'd ghost entirely and act like she accidentally slept through it all. Sometimes she'd tell me a story and then at another time a while later she'd change the story completely and tell me she'd been doing something altogether different.
We'd make plans to do something, sometimes for weeks we'd work out the details and when the day arrived she'd ignore her phone, not answer her door, tell me she accidentally took too many sleeping pills and slept through it or just straight up forgot. She didn't know but often I'd find out later that she was out with him or some other man.
After he finally got over her and they had split up, she dated a few more men from apps, and those relationships went nearly the same way. We would go out, and she would just unceremoniously dump me in a store, at a café, or on the side of the road. No preamble; she would simply tell me that so-and-so was there and that she was leaving.
Eventually, she hooked up with the man she's with now. At first, he was unsure of her, so they were tiptoeing around each other. I think this must have upset her because she started telling me things about him—how she worried he might be a pedophile or a sex offender because of clues she was finding, how he sent her links to porn involving animals, and how he was doing kink things with her that scared her a bit. She was afraid to tell him no.
She claimed to have proof that he was cheating on her and shared really awful things about him. All the while, she was getting closer and closer to moving in with him and even crying and freaking out whenever he would pull back from how intensely she was claiming him.
Yet she moved in with him and started posting about how happy she was that she had finally found the love of her life. She devoted her time to his mother and sister, and she even got a job under his sister at a shop. She told everyone else how deliriously happy she was, yet she still confided in me about how bad things were and how neglected she felt.
She was going to help me move, but she didn't show up and later gave me three different reasons for it. The next day, she came by and dropped off pizza, which I still think she did only out of guilt. She skipped out on multiple proposed coffee and lunch dates with excuses that I didn't even bother to question, yet she posted about dinners, day trips, and yard sale adventures she had with his family. She didn't need to lie to me; I didn't own her. She could have just told me she wasn't interested in going. Instead, I always had to hear about how terrible her life was while she posted proof of the exact opposite online.
Each time she dumped me on a date, she’d drop a care package off for my partner to give to me. On my last birthday, she lavished me with gifts, but she only stayed a few minutes to drop them off. The same thing happened at Christmas—more dollar-sign apologies. I started to notice that they were all primarily clearance items from her shop that would have been marked off as waste if they didn’t clear them out. I honestly don’t mean to come across as ungrateful; I was raised to be thankful for any gifts someone gives you. But sometimes, you can just feel when a gift is given out of convenience rather than kindness or emotion; those were some very clear examples.
The last one, though, really hurt. She promised she’d go to the Pride Parade with me. Honestly, every year she promises that but gets the flu the night before and never shows up. This year was supposed to be different; we almost had a solid game plan. I told her I was going, she said she wanted to go, I asked if she’d like to go with me, and she said absolutely she wanted to go with me. We made plans to text the night before.
I knew she had a tendency to forget, so I actually texted her a few days before, and she immediately played dumb, asking when it was again. I told her, and I mentioned that I had sent her screenshots of the schedule a few days before in Messenger, which I knew she had seen because I saw her read it almost instantly. She said she forgot and that she’d let me know. Then, a few minutes later, she said she had to work, which was fine, but she had already claimed she’d forgotten, and then immediately said that her asshole coworker knew she had plans that day and swapped her anyhow. But a minute ago, she had said she completely forgot, so how did the coworker still know?
And finally, in that moment, the clouds cleared.
She was straight-up lying, and I had no excuses left to make for her. She knew how much that one simple thing meant to me, and she dumped on me just like that. I said fine and left it there. She must have understood that it really hurt me because after a few minutes, she texted back that she could go after all. I just said I had other plans already and that I’d let her know if anything changed, but I knew. I knew she only made that last-minute decision to force herself to go because that was my last straw; she knew there would be no more back burners for me, and she knew I was done.
I didn't text her back, and I haven't, and I won't.
She sub-posted a bunch of things, portraying herself as the victim of a cruel abuser who has no loyalty, but all I have now is clarity. I did nothing wrong; maybe none of the stories above were real either, but as each person reaches their last straw with her, the closure she needs is to make them look like the villain and herself like the damsel in distress.
I choose to no longer be a rest stop on her journey. I'm no longer standing or waiting on the side of that long road she’s paved for herself. I hope she heals.
Once and again
You said it was forever. You left me standing on the road. A man called with burgers, and you left me standing on the road.
Once, twice, three times again, and a dozen times more, you left me standing on the road.
You said you would be there - one core moment after another, after another, after another...
Dollar signs dressed like apologies.
Who cares? Me? You?
No less, no more.
Again and again, in my darkest hours - reaching out to nothing, but you wished me well and promptly forgot - past your ears, over your head, and out the door. You'd later ask what happened as though it was never said. Disinterested, you'd tell me about your day.
Once, twice, three times again, and a dozen times more, you left me standing on the road.
You'd fall in love and fall away from everything else in the world, dropping soggy promises from your lips to dissolve like raindrops in the sand.
Dollar signs dressed like apologies.
Who cares? Me? You?
No less, no more.
We'll connect, do coffee, and meet for lunch. A month, six months, a year flies by - no effort, no concern. A text tossed into the void to keep me hanging on.
Once, twice, three times again, and a dozen times more, you left me standing on the road.
I'm waiting for this bus alone to nowhere and I have no more time to waste.
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