Inside the Cozy Ovaries of the North American Walrus

 

I know, it seems like the only time I ever make a post is when I'm having some kind of breakdown, but honestly, that's when I've needed escape the most, so obviously that's when this little refuge hits so differently. I can't deny I've been super stressed out for about the past year, but legit - I'm still recovering from 2023, which I can honestly say nearly fucking broke me entirely. I've never in my life had so many things go so wrong and I've never wanted more to just dissolve into the floorboards and never exist again.

That's something, and it's better than nothing...

I want to get better, no matter how long or rough the road, I want to wake up wanting to be awake! I want to breathe in the air around me and be happy (or at least not disappointed) to be breathing at all. I want to function, exist, and, with the Goddess' help, eventually thrive. I would like to not be sad all the time, even if it's just a little.

I'm tired, boss...

I'm still down the rabbit hole, spiraling in a soggy, suffocating depression. I don't know when I'll see the light again. The best I can do right now is just hope that eventually I will come in out of the dark. I'm not sleeping well,  I'm on the edge most of the time - there's just a perpetual lump in my throat waiting for some barrier to break so it can just let go and open the floodgates. I'm really not much of a donkey these days.  

Her.

My whole life, in every neighborhood I've ever lived in, there has always been a "crazy old lady" that only talks to some people sometimes and is often quite content to just be completely in her own company. 

It's getting better... slowly.

 
 I'll be completely honest here - it's been difficult, I've not been myself for a very long time. I haven't even been able to maintain this blog, and that's something I really used to love. If anyone noticed, I deleted a lot of old posts and I guess I'm basically starting over. Here's the truth of it all:

2023 was the worst year I have ever lived.

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For most folks, this time of year is all about joy, promises of love and fellowship, and hope for the new year to come. For some folks, though, it's just a collection of reminders of things we've loved, things we've lost, and things we've never really had. That's me. Not everyone can walk around filled with hope and magic at this time of the year - some of us are literally walking in a haze of flashbacks and trauma.

Fatal Error -_-

There's just been so much happening that I'm not even sure where to start? Samhain was lovely but unstable because just a few days before that, my entire foundation was jarred. I really thought my whole world had fallen apart but somehow I'm still standing.