[archived] "Please come now I think I'm falling..."

Despite what I post on social media, my life is not all sunny days and cozy nights. As of this literal moment, I've never felt more lost, alone, hopeless, and dejected in my entire existence.

I feel like I'm drowning, and there is no raft in sight. 

I'm obviously going to be fine because somehow I always am, but that's not the point - I thought things would get better. I really thought I could be happy or at least not a catastrophic failure at just peacefully getting through the days one after another until they're done.

I hung on back in the spring because I thought it all just needed a change in perspective. The move would be a good thing. Right? Except today, it is not. Nothing is good or even ok.

Today, I feel worse than I ever did back in the spring when I went through this before, and I have lost any hope at all that any of this could ever possibly get better, so where do I go from that? How can I possibly recover? Do I even want to?

I'm so utterly lost, and I'm not even afraid anymore because it's just useless, it's all just so fucking useless.

To be clear:      

I've never in my entire life felt more isolated, alone, hollow, ugly, dispassionate, distressed, destroyed,  utterly useless, conflicted, and filled with abject despair to the point of near complete hopelessness. 

I do not have a support system, I cannot talk about any of this with anyone. I have nothing solid, nothing secure that I can brace myself on. I have nowhere to turn and no safe options. 

I am perched precarious on a razors edge precipice with nearly nothing stopping me from falling and almost everything leaning me closer to that terrifying chasm reaching into the swirling endless darkness below.

It's a wound that keeps getting ripped open again and again, like doing ten life sentences for a single crime but some of the evidence used isn't even part of the original crime scene, it just reminds the judge of similar crimes committed by ...  🤷 I don't know. I really really don't.

I just know that this whole thing has left me reconsidering where I belong. Is this how I want the rest of my life to be?  Am I prepared to rethink every thought before I say or do anything at all for what's left of my time on this earth? Do I want to consider every youtube link I click, article I read, opinion or thought I voice because it might be a trigger? 

I'm sick in my guts. My heart hurts, my stomach hurts, I keep randomly crying from the stress, I just can't imagine that this is the rest of my life and I don't know what to do. I can't keep up and I'm just conflicted all around. 

The worst part is I don't think any of it can change because it keeps coming back and coming back and each incident makes less sense than the one before and I don't have the answers. And so it's down to the black and white of it: this is the way it will always be. 

Can I live like that? I don't know that I have a choice. I'm hurt and confused and .... alone.